200 Days of Intensive Self Care- My Domestic Abuse Recovery Story
- Apr 23, 2019
- 9 min read
Sometimes you find yourself in situations where a bubble bath isn't going to cut it. Well the past year of my life has been a journey of renewal and it took everything- I mean every tool, every practice, every bit of juju, every last bit of energy in my soul- to get me to a place of peace.
I pride myself on my hyper-transparency because I think there are too many things in this world we are called to hide out of shame. Society has a habit of telling wounded people how to bleed and I'm not here for it. Even holding that set of core beliefs, this is difficult for me to write and expose but I believe it will make a difference in a lot of peoples lives and I love y'all so here goes.
In 2017 I experienced a summer of heart break that I tried to heal from with some horrible coping mechanisms and equally horrible enablers. I was lost and just trying to maintain a grip on the life that I worked so hard to build while trying to fill a void. After a few months I found myself in the clutches of an extraordinarily toxic, destructive love. The emotional abuse I experienced in this relationship changed me in ways that will take years to unpack. The love for self was there, beating strong and loudly in my chest but it simply wasn't enough to know better or to do better.
In this relationship I was punished for everything that I was. My sensitivity, once a super power, now a liability. My body, once a temple, now property claimed within someones territory, yet unwanted and neglected. Nevertheless, If another were to so much as glance at me, I'd have to deal with the consequences. If I missed a turn. If I forgot to pick up cheese on my way home. If I didn't scramble the eggs just right. If i didn't immediately bounce back to happiness after an intense verbal lashing. You get the idea. Purgatory.
I took a break from teaching in mid 2018. Running a business completely by yourself is rough but doing it while in an abusive relationship proved to be an impossible task for me. Somewhere along the line I lost my spoons and couldn't even keep up with my email. My depression intensified, suicide ideation settled in and soon enough there was nothing left in my cup to pour. I stopped seeing my friends. I barely answered the phone. I barely saw or talked to my family. I'd burst into tears when I looked at my dance shoes. I refused to watch my class videos.
I recall one day I got so frustrated during an argument that I threw my phone and it went clean through the wall. I fell silent and laid on the bed staring at it. I would fall asleep staring at it wondering where the soft, loving, joyful little girl with the chipmunk cheeks went. Where the dancer who embodied joy in every footstep went. How all that was left in my soul was the sword wielding warrior and all she wanted to do was protect herself and fight her way out. Slowly but surely I'd give in. I'd fight my way out by any means.
Self Care
My loves, sometimes self care doesn't look like bubble baths and pedicures. Sometimes self care looks like trying to pack as much of your stuff as you can into two trash bags while your abusive boyfriend is out at taco bell. Sometimes it looks like standing your ground when he comes home just as you're heading to the stairs. Sometimes it looks like leaving everything you thought you wanted behind as you speed off into the unknown.
It can look like trying to repair your friendships, credit and business. It can look like requesting forgiveness and forgiving yourself. It can look like getting yourself in an intensive therapy program. It can look like starting over and it can be grueling and painful and terrifying.
Leaving and repairing my life and head space after leaving my ex was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In my early 20's I was fearless. I had to be fearless to get back to me. At the end of the day regardless of what was done to me it was my responsibility to take back control of my life, survive and ultimately thrive.
So first thing I decided to was return to work. My first client? Myself.
I am an artist, alchemist and conjure woman. I teach self care and self love through motion and I get people back to living their best lives. I wasn't taking any of my own advice or listening to any of my teachings so I looked back into my blogs and videos and I committed to taking all of my own advice and stepping into my new life. Here's what I did.
1. Re-gain Control
I started by pausing everything and observing. When my boyfriend would yell and argue and smash things I wouldn't react. I wouldn't respond. I took off from work. I paused my business. I stopped traveling. I held on to my cup for dear life and caught every trickle that fell into it by chance. I gleaned droplets from everything that was draining me by withdrawing my energy.
There's a stream that I go to for meditation and just sitting in the water. It has always been the eye of my storm. I went there and imagined what different would feel like. I closed my eyes and breathed in the air and listened to the water rush past me. I felt a deep peace. I wished it for myself. I begged it of myself. The message that came to me? Simply, "You are your own. Take care of her". I felt a surge of energy and nerve. My cup was filled. I headed home.
My loves, A full cup is a sword.
2. Assess the damage and eliminate the virus
On the way home I took inventory. I was brutally honest. My life was in shambles and I say this with all the self love in my heart, I was a hot mess. I looked at my physical health, my mental state, my overall satisfaction, my finances, my relationships with my friends and family, my relationships with the outside world. Even worse was my relationship with the universe. I had grown cold and untrusting. I was skittish in public. I developed an aversion to people and I could barely survive a trip to the grocery store without breathing through a panic attack.
In other words, I was in really bad shape. I had to find the source and cut it out.
I made myself a self love jar and did a few white baths for clarity and spiritual cleansing. I leaned heavily on my spirit guides to lift me and they came all the way through in the form of energy and resolve. I worked on my confidence and trust in myself, tapped back into my intuition and let it guide me.
Leaving my relationship was extremely difficult and expensive. I was so fortunate to have the support of my family and my savings to pull from or I have no idea how I would have done it. Through a series of events I'll get into another time, I was able to get the ability, opportunity and the nerve to leave and seized the hell out of the moment. It was rough but I got the hell out of there with what I could carry.
I saw a counselor and she referred me to a program for abuse survivors and I joined. They supported me while gently and lovingly reading me for filth until all the rest of the "virus" was gone. I'll list their information at the end because I recommend them to anyone who needs to get their lives back together after experiencing domestic violence of any kind.
One thing to know about this kind of purge is that no stone can go un-turned. I not only let go of my relationship but many toxic friendships and bad habits and defense mechanisms as well. This was the highest level of self care in that it hurt like hell but it cleared both the enemy and the debris from my life so that I could experience total peace for probably the first time in my life.
I also started to take better care of my health. Me and my body were slowly turning into enemies due to conditions such as my chronic fatigue, nausea and fertility issues that were worsening the more that I stayed in toxic environments. After removing myself from those spaces I started taking the necessary steps to restore my health including searching for a good primary care doctor, getting more exercise, changing my diet and introducing more vitamins and minerals.
3. Document my Journey
The day I moved out. I started to take selfies to monitor my change every day and to establish some sort of routine. This allowed me have some tangible evidence of what I was doing and allowed me to count the days and create "distance" between my previous life and the one I was creating. It also let me know when I was spending too many days in a row in bed and helped me to get out of the house more to have something "interesting" to document. Furthermore it helped when I needed to let people know I was ok when I didn't have the spoons to answer the phone.
I also journaled. I wrote brutally honest letters to everyone in my life. I wrote equally honest but loving letters to myself. I wrote what was bothering me and what I was grateful for. I wrote poetry to purge energy. I just found any reason to put pen to paper because it helped organize my head space while I was healing.
4.Reclaim my divinity and tap back into source
To do better I had to understand that I was worth better. I internalized some horrible things about myself and I had to release those words from my soul. One night after I moved out I put on some soft sensual drum music and meditated. After a while my arms started to move and make shapes and my hips followed. I moved not from memory but from the connection of my mind and body. I moved in a way that felt good. I listened and moved the way my body told me it needed to for as long as it needed to. I said loving and motivating affirmations daily in the mirror. I even made sure I was fulfilling all of my sensual needs and stocked back up on oils and toys. Little by little the horrible things I believed melted away. I loved on myself frequently and for extended periods of time in any way that I needed because I deserved to feel what uninteruppted unconditional love and care felt like again.
I also took some time to travel. Disconnecting from the place that held so much trauma was healing all by itself. I found myself in some of the most beautiful locations, digging my toes in the dirt and sand, breathing the cleanest air and enjoying the vibrations of harmony. I created and nurtured friendships and repaired my ability to connect without fear.
5. Visualize and begin to manifest for the better
Manifestation is one of the more simple ways to position yourself where you want to be. I let my imagination go wild thinking of the possibilities. I looked back on everything that was destroyed when I was spiraling and visualized them in the ideal format. I visualized a life where I was loved and cherished, and more importantly, allowed myself to feel loved and cherished. I visualized a life of abundance. The abundance of opportunity, wonder, joy, and wealth was the cornerstone of the life I truly wanted. I stopped operating under the principles of scarcity and fear and changed my mindset towards trust and relaxation.
6. Embody the change that I needed
With manifestation comes carrying myself in the vibrations that I want to welcome into my life. This looks like many things. I get myself a good breakfast every day that I have a long day of work ahead of me. I take good care of my car. I express gratitude. I take my vitamins and I replace them when I'm running low. I don't skimp on myself anymore. I don't cut corners. I charge what I'm worth and add tax. I confront people who violate my boundaries. I treat myself the way I want to be treated.
7. Protect my creation
As an extension of embodiment, I had to protect myself from sliding backwards and being influenced by the same things that took my peace in the first place. I utilize my block features and stay as close to a routine as possible. I check in multiple times a day to see how my body is doing and how my soul feels and I adjust according to what I need. I keep up a routine of self care making sure to meditate, getting great sleep and keeping myself satisfied. I also introduce accountability by letting the people in my life know my goals and they stay on me about meeting them.
Me sharing this post is self care, accountability and service all in one and my hopes are that:
You all can see where I'm coming from and know a little more about my story
You can all see how I utilize a lot of the lessons that I drill or suggest in class
You all can see how easy it is to fall off the wagon when your self love, confidence, mind body connection and commitment to your well being aren't rock solid.
You all can learn how to get right back on track if you ever fall off.
You all know that if you're in the same boat as me that you are not alone, you are not stupid, you are not weak, you are just at the mercy of an extremely difficult situation. It may take all of you to find your way back home but once you can, once you feel the sun shine on your face, you will know every bit of blood sweat and tears shed was worth it.
This is me 200 days later. Happier, healthier, wiser, still divine, just as worthy as before. Free.
Thank you for reading my story.
Be good to yourselves,
C
(Here's where I plug the resources) <3
Hotline
National Domestic Abuse Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
24/7 hotline
Services more than 200 languages.
All calls are free and confidential.
For the deaf, deaf-blind and hard of hearing community, there are chat options as well as designated resources that fit their specific needs.
Baltimore area counselors and resources
Turn around Inc
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