Self love when your lingerie doesn't fit anymore

"You have got to be kidding me" I groaned as I shimmied and belly danced into my favorite piece of lingerie. Picture this, a nice silky black number with a curved waist, lace trim, a lacy bust and everything. Then imagine me not so effortlessly trying to glide it down over my hips to give myself enough room to snap the crotch part together. I'm telling y'all I tried everything- the jump and pull, the stretch and pray, the lay and tug, nothing about that garment was cooperating.

Silk apparently doesn't stretch, go figure.

I had to accept defeat or I was going to tear it. Letting go of the sides and relaxing undid all of my progress and I watched as it snapped back to right under my bust. Holding my breath, my eyes scanned the mirror for where in the hell I could have possibly gained some extra love. Shoulders still defined-ok. Face sorta puffy-meh. Bust is doing what it wants to today- fine. I followed down and then I see my little belly sitting proud and prominent along with her sisters or shall I say hip-sters all extra and voluptuous smiling at me like...

My lips dropped into a frown as I remembered there was less than 48 hrs left to figure out what I'm going to wear for my promo shoot. While packing for the shoot I realized my first choice outfit had a hole in the sleeve (ugh!) and this was my back up. Back to square one. I scanned my now trashed room for ideas of some sort of avant-garde way to cover it up, maybe a long sweater or a big belt or some sort of huge flower. Anything to distract the eye during the video. Y'all don't even want to know some of the ridiculous ideas I came up with to try and avert your eyes to my other features.

Usually I'm a lot more accepting of my body but sometimes advertising will make you more insecure than you'd normally be. Not to mention for something so intimate as lingerie its hurts in a deep place when you can't fit it anymore and can't twirl around in it. So there were both pressures from myself and my profession at work here. This society can be rather fat phobic and it polices and judges curves (and also lack there of) harshly especially in the dance and fitness world (but more on that later). The subconscious pressure to fit in the parameters of industry standards and desirability standards had my anxiety on high. I didn't even realize it until that little voice came in like "Hey girl... you know no one's gonna take you seriously looking like that, right? You're supposed to be a fitness professional and some sort of ab goddess right now. Look at you." My anxiety can be so rude and hurtful. It comes from a place that wants to protect me from harm but its not good for my self image so I trained my self love to swoop in for backup when I need it.

That self love came in and started dropping some body positve vibes all over the place with her ,"I don't know, Ciera... I mean it is kind of cute. You are bouncing back after an injury and a month long hiatus AND battling your mental health at the same time. So what you gained like 10, 15 pounds? Let the belly be! It's more relatable anyway." I paused and tilted my head to the side curiously making space in my mind for the thought to take root. "Ok you have a point, go on..."

...and thus, my internal dialogue shifted in a different direction. I can not stress enough how it important it is to play devils advocate when it comes to dealing with your insecurities and shutting down the negative self talk.

Try these thought re-directors when you start to feel insecure about your body:

(and say it out loud, it's OK to talk to yourself here- I promise)

"Am I subjecting myself to the unrealistic expectations of the Euro-cis-hetero-patriarchy again?"

"Does this even remotely stop me from being beautiful?"

"What is ugly? What makes it ugly?"

"Why do I even think it's bad the first place?"

"What is stopping me from thinking it's cute?"

"What is my real problem here?"

"Are people really going to even notice?"

"Can I boost someone else's confidence by being seen like this and slaying?"

"Can I pull it off with some glitter and confidence?"

I realize that my six pack will not always be here and sometimes the body you work for isn't always the body you get to keep. Some days you will bloat. Sometimes you're gonna gain extra love in places you weren't expecting. Sometimes you're not gonna like what your body does but it's yours and it has a mind of its own so you might as well love it the way it is that day.

I may be an athlete by activity standards, but my body is changing rapidly along with my diet, my stress levels and general aging. I have aches and pains now, my back hoots and hollers from time and so do my knees from years of dropping it low every time "Back that ass up" (or literally any song at this point) comes on. It jiggles and gyrates and twists and turns every day to help me create my art and teach it to others and guess what? It hasn't given up on me yet, how dare I not give it some kisses and TLC? The only thing I can keep constant in this world is my self love.

My point here is that regardless of whether or not I can ever slingshot myself into my lacy silky number again or if I just have to slay this shoot in a bra and panty set and let my curves take over I will have to work the hell out of that shoot and embrace all that is me because I'm telling you, honey buns, confidence and self acceptance are the sexiest things I have ever seen someone wear. I have seen women with curves on curves rock a two piece and drop my jaw with the way her hips swished from side to side giving us all Betty Boop realness. There was once a teeny tiny woman barely much more weight than 206 beautiful bones who stole my heart with a wink and sip of her tea. I'm not even going to go into that wonderfully tall woman with the broad shoulders that was working the hell out of that red dress and them heels at the gala. Jessica Rabbit looking self... whew!

*Mandatory Conceited Moment* I don't know if you noticed but I am Drop. Dead. GORGEOUS. And I don't know if you know but you are too. Now I can still slather myself in coconut oil for this video shoot to look other-worldly and Serena Williams like if I want to. I can cover it all up and go Aphrodite with it if I see fit. Hell I might even look like an extra from the Wiz if I feel like it, but at the end of the day if I decide to give face AND belly for my shoot, best believe I will and I will look damn good doing it.

How do I know? Because I said so ;)

<3